“Surprise!”

“Happy Birthday!”

Lots of cheers and hugs were followed by a glass of something cold and wet being pressed into my hand. That was my cue to act shocked.

“No way! You guys! I had no idea!”

I caught Pete’s eye and he gave me a knowing smile. There was no fooling my man, he knew me too well, but I could tell that he was glad I was playing along. I searched the sea of faces for Bella and Jack and, having spotted my daughter, headed across the room towards her. I smiled and nodded in acknowledgement of the birthday wishes as I went.

“The big four-oh eh April. How do you feel?”

“Ah, it’s only a number Gareth.”

I hid my grimace and kept my eyes focussed on my first born as I continued to weave in and out between the party goers. When I eventually made it to her side, my daughter stopped her conversation mid-sentence and threw her arms around my neck.

“Happy birthday Mum!” She planted a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

“Aww, thanks. And thanks for organising this.”

“Ha! As if you didn’t know. Thanks for pretending though.”

“Any time love. Have you seen your brother?” I looked around but couldn’t see Jack anywhere.

“He’s probably out the back with Auntie Judith. He was trying to teach her how to use Snapchat.”

I shuddered. “Poor kid. I’ll go rescue him. See you in a bit.”

Leaving Bella with her friends, I went in search of my friend and my son. Judith was only an honorary aunt but I’d known her even longer than I had Pete. We went way back, so when first Bella and then Jack had come along, it was only right and proper that Judith should be both godmother and aunt. We didn’t see each other as much as we should these days, life seemed to get in the way, but she could always be relied upon when it was time for a party.

As Bella had predicted, Jack and Judith had their heads together over Judith’s phone. She looked thoroughly confused and Jack, when he glanced up to see me headed towards them, looked relieved. He nudged Judith who leapt in my direction, smiling.

“Happy birthday old girl!” Judith hugged me.

“Oi! Less of the old thank you very much. Couple of months and it’ll be your turn.” I turned to my son, gesturing to the balloons plastered around the room, each of them screaming ’40 Today!’ in bold print. “Was this your doing?”

“It was a joint effort. You like?”

“It’s great. Thank you. What I’d really like now though is another drink. How about you Judith?”

“Yes please!”

Recognising that I’d given him just the excuse he needed to beat a hasty retreat, Jack headed back to the kitchen in search of a couple of glasses of wine. I turned to Judith.

“You know this is a nightmare, right?”

Judith smiled at me brightly. “Of course. But it had to be done. Couldn’t have you moping and complaining your way into a new decade.”

“I don’t mope and complain.”

“Sure you do. No more than the rest of us I suppose, but, well, you know what you’re like.”

I did know what I was like but I felt totally justified. “But you don’t understand what it’s like Judith. Forty. Four-oh. My life is officially half over!”

“Don’t be so ridiculous! Besides, who says?”

“Everyone!”

I could feel the frustration welling up inside me again. It was easy for Judith. She had it all. The family. The house. The perfect husband. What did she know about the boring monotony that it was to be me? There were days when waking up in this village made me want to scream.

“I just thought that by the time I’d got to forty, life would be a bit more, I dunno, sorted? You know? Do you ever wake up, look around you and wonder, is this it?!?”

“Yeah, all the time, but you only get one go at life. Got to make the most of it.”

“But that’s exactly what I mean. Am I making the most of it? I don’t think so! This really wasn’t what I had in mind when I told my careers advisor that I wanted to be a writer.”

I didn’t want to say this to Judith but what I’d imagined was something a bit more Barbara Cartland, lounging around dictating a few thousand words each day while I sat sipping wine and eating chocolate. Now that was the kind of writing I could enjoy. The reality was a lot less fun. I knew I should be thankful that I at least had a job vaguely related to my chosen career, but writing book reviews and recipes for bored Christian housewives wasn’t exactly what I’d planned and I could see no end in sight.

“I’m just so bored!” I knew I was whining but it was my party and I was going to cry if I wanted to!

“So what are you going to do about it?” Judith’s voice had a challenging edge to it that I hadn’t heard in a long time.

“What can I do?” I looked around at our spacious home. “The kids love it here. All their friends are here. It’s all they’ve known. Besides, we’re mortgaged to the hilt so it’s not like I can quit.”

“Have you tried praying about it?”

“Oh please.” I couldn’t tell if Judith was joking or not.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m serious.”

“When did you get so holy?”

“Says she, the staff writer for the Christian magazine. I thought praying about stuff like this would be right up your alley.”

“It’s just a job Judith.”

“Hmmm, well maybe it’s time for it to stop being ‘just a job’?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. Damn it! She wasn’t allowed to make me cry, especially not today on my birthday.

Without waiting for an answer I wiped my eyes, turned and headed back in the direction of the kitchen, a smile plastered firmly in place. “Come on. Let’s get some wine.”

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WALKING INTO THE OFFICE a few days later after enjoying a lovely few days off celebrating, the stuffy smell did nothing to silence my fears that I was totally wasting my life. If it were possible to bottle the stench of decay and desperation, I was sure that the aroma I walked into would be exactly what it smelled like. June walked in behind me carrying coffees and pastries but her cheery greeting only grated my nerves all the more.

“Did you remember to get skimmed milk this time?” I knew I was being horrible but I didn’t care.

June appeared not to have noticed my tone. “Of course. Got you a custard slice too. Happy birthday!”

“Thanks. What’s put you in such a good mood?”

“What’s not to be happy about? The sun is shining. Coffee is good and hot. It’s going to be a great day!”

“Humph!” I stalked off in the direction of my computer, determining to do my very best to avoid any more human contact until I’d had at least another three coffees.

Trawling through the emails that had cluttered my inbox while I’d been away did nothing to lift my mood. There was an invitation to review the latest Christian romance novella from a terribly endearing looking woman whose name I was sure I should recognise but didn’t, three reminders about an upcoming dinner that my editor was desperate for me to attend, if only because it meant she didn’t have to, and a horribly wordy reply to an email I’d sent weeks ago, for which I’d long since found an answer elsewhere. Le sigh!

I’d all but given up hope of anything to lift me out of an otherwise dull morning when I read an email I’d been copied in on, outlining the planned itinerary for a retreat in Loches. “The Scientific Spirituality of Happiness.” Hmmm, interesting. Thanks to the wonders of Google I quickly discovered that Loches was in the Loire Valley in France and nope, it hadn’t started yet. Registration was open now with the very next class due to start in two weeks. Maybe this was what I needed to finally get a handle on my life and make the next half so much more meaningful than the first? This could be it!

In my head I was already packed and on a plane so when Colin popped his head over the top of my screen to announce a staff meeting in five he made me jump and I spilled the dregs of my coffee all over my desk.

“What did you do that for?” I snapped at him. “Quick! Get me a napkin or something.”

“Please.” He grumbled under his breath as he handed me a paper towel.

I mopped up most of the mess and started in the direction of the conference room. I looked back to see Colin still standing there frowning at me. “Are you coming or what?”

He followed me up the corridor and into a room even more depressing looking than the office I’d just come from. Sitting around the large oval table, trying to look enthusiastic but barely able to disguise their boredom, was the entire staff of Christian Now! Everyone except Jane, our editor, who Colin had told me was going to be late because she had an important teleconference to attend. As such it was left to her ever-faithful assistant editor Sandra to take us through the schedule for the week. We were still a few weeks off going to print with the latest issue so there was little sense of urgency. Many of our stories were still mere angles to be explored and I knew it would be at least another week of chasing up leads before the real writing could start.

Reviews and recipes were the notable exception of course so Sandra spent much of the meeting grilling me on exactly where I was at, current word counts and reminding me about the strict limit she’d placed on art work for this issue. It was something of an experiment and only time would tell if the gamble would pay off, but the less space given to photos, the more there would be for our advertisers. Privately I thought it was a crazy move, we were in danger of losing our readership if we persisted with squeezing out the content they loved so much, but what did I know? I wasn’t paid to have an opinion.

“Heard and understood Sandy.”

She frowned, apparently not feeling reassured.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you down,” I said.

Sandra smiled and looked about to dismiss us all when the door opened and Jane walked in. She gave Sandra a terse nod. Something was up.

“G’morning everyone.” Jane sounded overly bright. “Apologies for the delay. Unexpected meeting that couldn’t be postponed.”

She glanced around the room. Everyone was watching her, waiting for more of an explanation, and when none appeared to be forthcoming I decided to take matters into my own hands.

“Everything okay Jane? You seem a little unsettled.”

“That’s very perceptive of you April.” She looked at me and hesitated. “Oh, I almost forgot, Happy birthday! I hope you had a wonderful day?”

“It was lovely.” I hesitated. “But that’s not why we’re here. What’s going on?”

She took a deep breath before speaking. “We’re approaching something of a difficult time for the magazine. As you’ll be aware, we’ve already taken measures to ensure the best placement possible for our advertising partners.”

I decided I had to say something. “What about our readers?”

“What about them? Without the advertising revenue from our partners we can’t continue. They’d have nothing to read!”

“But without the readers, partners will have no one to market to. It has to be a balance, doesn’t it?”

“Of course, and it’s something we’re constantly tinkering with. This latest development is just another evolution in that process. But let me be clear …” She looked around the room again. “If things don’t improve we will have to reduce overheads, and that will inevitably mean staffing cuts. Any questions?”

Looking like small children caught with their hands in the sweetie jar, no one spoke. This wasn’t the update anyone had been expecting and for a moment I almost felt guilty for having forced her hand.

“No one? Good. If you would excuse me then …” And she turned and left just as quickly as she’d arrived.

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IT WAS ONLY as I watched Jane’s departing back that I remembered the trip to France. It seemed unlikely she’d agree to it, especially now, but when I thought again about the opportunity and how miserable this place was making me and with Judith’s challenge still rattling around inside my head, I decided I had to at least try. Leaving the rest of the staff to gossip about Jane’s announcement, I hurried after her. Damn she was fast! When I finally caught up she was already sitting behind her desk with a phone in her hand. She motioned for me to come in and sit down.

I perched on the edge of a chair and waited as she wrapped up her phone call. I didn’t intend to eavesdrop of course but when I heard her mention France, my ears pricked up. Who was she speaking to and why was she telling them that it just wasn’t possible when that was my gig? Without thinking, I launched myself at the phone on her desk and pressed the button to end the call.

“What the ….?!?”

“I’ll go!”

“What? Go where? What on earth are you talking about? Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?”

“I saw the email, about the retreat in France? I want to go. Please? I think it’ll be really good for me, and for us here. It would make a great women’s interest piece.” I decided I wasn’t above begging if needs be. “Please Jane?”

“Woah, slow down. Before I do anything else I must make a phone call. You just cut me off from our sister magazine in the States and they’re waiting on me for an answer.”

“An answer to the French trip? That’s what I’m talking about. I want to go.”

“That wasn’t what I was talking to them about. They were asking me about an industry conference in France in December. But you know, that does give me an idea. Are you sure you want to go?”

I nodded, not daring to speak.

“What about Pete and the kids?”

“I’ll figure it out. I mean, I need to speak to him but, I’m sure we can make it happen.”

“You know I couldn’t pay you any extra?”

“I know.”

“And if you mess this up, that’s it for you.” She drew her finger across her neck.

“I understand.”

“Okay, so here’s what we’ll do. You go home and talk to Pete. I’ll phone New York, apologise, blame it on a bad connection, and see if I can sell them on this story.”

“And if they won’t buy it?”

“You can go anyway, but you’ll have to cover your own flight! So keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer.”

I practically skipped out of the room, my excitement piqued for the first time in a very long time. Colin and June gave me a funny look as I grabbed my bag and headed towards the door.

“Au revoir!”

Twenty-seven minutes later as I slammed the door of the car shut and walked towards the house, the enormity of what I’d just taken on hit me. I couldn’t go to France, could I? And what if I made a total mess of it and gave Jane the excuse she needed to make me redundant, or worse? We could get by on Pete’s income briefly, but we were definitely a two income family and with the kids set to head off to uni soon that need would only get greater. I walked into the kitchen to find Pete sitting at the table, surrounded in paperwork. Monday was his day to juggle the books and from the look on his face, it wasn’t going well.

“Would you like a coffee?” I offered.

Pete looked up, his eyes glazed. “April! You’re home early. Everything okay?”

“Yep, I guess. Shall I make us that coffee?”

Without waiting for an answer I busied myself with the grinder. I could feel Pete’s eyes on me the whole time and silently willed him not to ask, not yet at least. I needed to get my head round things before I could contemplate telling him about it.

Apparently unable to read my mind, Pete got up and came to my side. He took the filter from my hand and put it down on the kitchen unit. “What’s happened?”

“Something’s come up at work. An opportunity.”

“A good opportunity?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“That sounds great! When do you start?”

I shook my head, willing him to be quiet. “I don’t know. The thing is, it’s complicated.”

“Go on?”

“It’s a writing gig, for the magazine.”

“Brilliant!” Pete looked genuinely delighted. He knew how soul destroying the recipes and book reviews were.

“In Loches.”

“Where?”

“France.”

“You like France.”

I nodded. “I know. But it’s for two weeks. I’m not sure I can just up and leave, can I? What about you and the kids?”

“Do you want to go?”

“Maybe. I mean yes, I think so. It sounds like it would be fun.”

“So let’s make it happen.”

“I dunno Pete. It’s a big opportunity. What if I mess it up? Or something happens here while I’m away? Or I could get lost. Or blown up. Or …”

I knew I was making excuses, almost willing him to be the reason I didn’t go so I could blame someone else for not allowing me this chance for a change. A small unspoken and unacknowledged part of me was terrified that I might go all the way to France and be just as miserable as I was right here at home. I wanted this to be the answer. I wanted to believe that by changing my surroundings I could finally, once and for all, change my life for the better, but what if I went there and was still the same miserable old cow I was at home?

“It’s up to you April. I want to support you, you know I do, and if that means you taking a trip to Europe for a couple of weeks then so be it. But it has to be your choice.”

When I didn’t say anything he took my hands in his and looked me in the eye, suddenly appearing very serious. “I mean it April. You choose. Decide what you want and I’ll support you, okay?”

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I SHRUGGED HIS HANDS AWAY. “Why do you have to be so spineless?!?”

“What? But I thought you …”

“What man in his right mind would agree to some crazy hair brained scheme like this? To allow his wife to travel on her own, hundreds of miles? What’s wrong with you?!?”

I could hear the venom in my voice and I knew I was being unfair but I didn’t care. I wanted him to fight for me, to beg me to stay, to give me someone to butt up against. But he couldn’t even do that.

Pete sighed. “What do you want me to say?”

“Honestly? I just want you to care, even if it’s only a little bit. To stop being so bloody agreeable all the time!”

“But that’s who I am, that’s how we work. If I offered an opinion about every little thing we’d spend all our time fighting.”

I hesitated. Was that true? “Do you really just go along with it all for a quiet time?”

Pete shrugged. “Sometimes.” He paused, considering whether to say more but then something changed in his face and he closed down.

“What?” I waited, mentally willing him to open up, to tell me what he really thought but he just shook his head and sighed again.

“Nothing.”

“Please?”

He shook his head and I felt the anger well up in me. “You’re pathetic!”

I stormed out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs to our bedroom. If he couldn’t even be bothered to fight for me, what was the point? I pulled our ancient suitcase from under the bed and started throwing clothes into it. I knew I was acting like a crazy thing but I just couldn’t see an alternative. I needed Pete to need me, to want me but instead he just proved what I already knew: I was merely existing. Getting away from the monotony was going to be brilliant for me. Maybe I actually could be happy in this new place. The screen on my phone caught my attention as it lit up with a text message. Jane.

They bought it! My office, tomorrow morning. J

My heart leapt. It was really happening. I could hardly believe it. I still had more questions than answers. Like, what about the kids? And could Pete really cope? But screw it! This was my time, my opportunity. They’d just have to manage without me for a little while. Who knew, maybe it might make them actually start appreciating me for once. I took a look at what I’d put in the suitcase and sighed. There was no way I could travel hundreds of miles with my sad excuse for a wardrobe. It was time to go shopping. I zipped the suitcase closed, leaving it on the floor by the side of the bed. I took the stairs two at a time, pausing to call out to Pete as I closed the front door behind me. I had to get out of the house!

“Going to the shops.”

I glanced in the rearview mirror as I pulled away in the car and saw Pete, standing at the kitchen window looking broken. For the briefest of seconds I almost felt sorry for him but I swiftly squashed that thought. I had a job to do and it was time to start looking out for myself for once.

After trawling up and down the carpark three times I was starting to wonder if the shopping trip was ill-fated. The place was packed! Believing that I had to find a space soon if I just remained calm and patient I indicated left and tried one more loop around before admitting defeat and leaving the car in the overflow carpark instead. As I huffed my way up the hill towards the shops I mentally went over all the things I needed to buy. I usually loved shopping but today my heart just wasn’t in it. I kept replaying the conversation with Pete over in my mind. I knew I was being a bit unfair but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there had to be more to this grownup thing than this. I was forty now for goodness sake. When was it going to be my turn to get the happy ending?

I turned the corner, still thinking about the meaning of life and walked straight into the back of a tall blonde woman. Ouch! She had something pointy in her handbag which dug sharply into my ribs. She whipped round and glared at me.

“Look where you’d bloody going!” When she saw it was me her face softened. “April!”

“Judith! Sorry, I didn’t even see you. I was just …”

“Are you okay?” She touched my arm and I saw concern in her eyes.

I nodded and forced a smile. “Yep, just getting a few bits and bobs for my trip.” She looked confused and I remembered that I hadn’t yet told her about France. “I took your advice. I’m off on an adventure!”

“Really? Wow!” She looked impressed. “Listen, I need to run a couple of errands but do you fancy grabbing a coffee in a bit? You can tell me all about it.”

Suddenly I didn’t want to be shopping alone anymore. I didn’t really need much anyway, it had just been an excuse to get out of the house. “I’ll come with you if you like? I’m just about done here anyway.”

Judith glanced at my empty hands. “Done? You sure?” She smiled.

“Window shopping,” I explained with a shrug. “Where are you off to?”

“Oh I just need a couple of bits from Boots.” A look flashed across her face. “But it can wait. Come on, let’s get that coffee.”

I followed her towards Costa. “The look on your face! If this were some dodgy romantic comedy I’d have thought you were after a pregnancy test or something.”

“Ha! Nope, just some haemorrhoid cream.” “Ewwww! Too much information!”

“Well I did try and spare you, but you asked.”

I couldn’t argue with that and gave my friend a hug. “I’m so glad I ran into you. Literally. My ribs are still aching!”

“Awww, sorry. Must have caught you with my bag.” She pulled her handbag towards her a little.

“What you got in there anyway? Rocks?” Her bag looked really heavy.

“Just some change I found knocking around. I was going to pay it into the bank on my way home. But first, coffee!” She led me towards the counter. “What are you going to have?”

“Flat white please.”

When we were settled with our drinks I took a deep breath and got ready to tell all. I just hoped Judith would understand and wouldn’t try and persuade me not to go.

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Part of me didn’t know where to start. There were logistics, like when I’d be going and where, but I wanted, no needed, Judith to really understand why I was going. She was the one who’d started all this with her niggling at me during the party. I was just afraid that anything I said now would sound like a feeble cop out.

“The thing is Judith, I’m not doing so well at the moment.” “Well duh!” Judith rolled her eyes at me. “You’ve not been doing well for ages April. What’s new?”

I shook my head. “I don’t just mean the ordinary stuff. I know everyone has off days, but I’m angry all the time. And poor Pete’s the one who bears the brunt of it.”

“You trained him well,” she laughed. “You’ll have to let me in on your secret.”

“I’m serious Judith.” I needed her to see that this wasn’t just silly old April having a bad day. I’d never said this out loud to any one but I was a bit afraid that something might be a bit broken and I didn’t know if I could fix it. When I spoke again, I did so more softly. “I think I might be having a bit of a midlife crisis or something.”

Judith reached out and put her hand on mine. Her eyes had gone a bit misty looking. “What’s brought all this on? I thought you and Pete were okay?”

“It’s not us, it’s me. I’m just so fed up all the time. The same old, same old. Like I said to you the other day. I wake up most mornings and can’t believe that this is it. Is this really all my life has become?”

When I was a kid I’d believed that anything was possible. I’d change my career de jour on the basis that whichever boy I fancied might end up doing the same course as me but underneath it all, despite all the apparent flightiness, I really believed I was put on the planet for a purpose. To think that my purpose was to raise a couple of kids, move words around on a computer screen for a few years before shuffling off the planet again, well that was just depressing. Maybe that was it, maybe I was depressed?

“Do you think I might be depressed?” I asked Judith. I hadn’t told her all the stuff about purpose, that was staying safely locked inside my head thank you very much, but something concrete like depression, well that was an actual treatable condition. Far more tangible than just being a bit mental!

“I dunno April. Do you feel depressed? I mean, aside from your ups and downs, you’ve always struck me as quite a happy person.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am. I mean, I’m not sure I have any of the classic symptoms.” I pinched the spare flesh around my middle. “Definitely not losing my appetite!”

“Haha! That’s the spirit. See? Always the first to crack a joke.” She paused and took a deep breath before speaking again. “What about the faith stuff?”

“What about it?” I could feel myself getting defensive again. “I know you nearly chewed my head off the other day but, you do work for a Christian magazine. That must come with certain, ah, perks?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, not getting it. What do you mean?”

“Isn’t there someone at work you could talk to about this? Maybe ask for some spiritual guidance or something.”

“Ha! Have you met my editor?” I shook my head again. “Of course you haven’t. Let’s just say that Jane’s idea of spiritual guidance is telling you to pull your bible out of your arse and get back to work!”

Judith frowned. “Really?”

“Yup.”

“Doesn’t sound very Christian to me.”

I shrugged. “You know how it is. They needed someone strong and dynamic. So long as she said the right things, the job was hers. I’m not sure they asked much about her theology.” I decided it was time to bite the bullet and just tell her. “Anyway, depressed or not, I’m definitely not happy. And there’s this thing in France, a spiritual retreat thing, about how to be happy, and I’ve said I’ll go and write about it for the magazine.”

I let out my breath in one big sigh, not realising until then that I’d been holding it. It didn’t matter what Judith said now, I knew my mind was made up. There was still lots to figure out but I knew I had to do something to get myself out of this rut. And who knows, maybe this retreat thing could be the start of something new for me. People wrote travels books all the time didn’t they? What if I went there, learned some amazing new secret about how to be happy, wrote about it and changed the world? That would be pretty amazing. Yeah, amazing and totally impossible April. Get a life! I sighed again and could feel tears pricking at my eyes. I knew logically that stuff like that didn’t happen to people like me, this was real life, not some stupid fairytale where everyone gets a happily ever after, but I wanted to believe in the possibility. I had to believe that it was at least an option. That people like me could actually make a difference in some small way and not just rot away the rest of my life, bored and miserable.

I looked at Judith and saw that she’d been watching me, her own eyes now mirroring the tears in mine. She had a peculiar expression on her face that was impossible to read. I crossed my fingers and whispered a silent prayer. She was my oldest friend, even if this was the most time we’d spent together in ages, I needed her to understand, to be on my side.

Finally I spoke. “So, what do you think?”

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“I THINK YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY bloody crazy!”

“You’re the one who told me to …”

“But I also think it’s wonderful and I couldn’t be prouder of you.” She leapt out of her seat and gave me a tight hug.

“Awww, thanks Jude. You know I’m terrified, right?”

“Of course. You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t. It’ll be fine though.”

“What about the kids?”

“They’ll cope.”

“And …

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“YOU DIDN’T TELL ME it was your idea to go.” Pete was frowning. “And your job’s at risk?”

“I didn’t not tell you. It just all happened so fast.”

“You know we can’t afford for you to lose that job, right?”

I sighed. We’d had this conversation before, more than once. “I know. It’s just …”

“No April. We don’t need to go over this again. I know it’s not your dr…

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AS IT TURNED OUT I needn’t have worried at all. We had a clear run along the M4 and Bella and Jack, seemingly under strict instruction from their father not to stress me out, behaved like model offspring. So beautifully well behaved were they, I could feel myself itching for a fight. Anything to relieve the boredom and silence the fear filled dialogue i…

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I WAS GLAD PETE and the kids had finally gone. I hated goodbyes, even if it was only for a short time, and the last thing I needed was for them to see me crying. Now though I faced waiting all on my own, not that they could have come through customs with me but, after wandering a couple of laps around the airport and seeing small family groups huddled t…

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AS I FOLLOWED the crowd of people slowly wandering along the corridor towards the plane, my thoughts turned to my travelling companions. I had two fears. I didn’t want to find myself sat in front of a fidgety child with large feet or next to an overweight man with a big odour. It was only a short flight so, at worst, I would grin and bear it but, in a b…

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WHERE COULD I START? I couldn’t of course. I fobbed him off with nonsense about needing to use the little girl’s room and by the time I got back, very swiftly changed the subject. He told me all about his plans, admitting he didn’t have any firm ones but that he was intrigued by the sound of the happiness retreat. Despite how fearful I secretly was abou…

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THANKFULLY, THE REST of my train journey passed without further altercation. Despite my fears to the contrary, I didn’t miss my connection in Tours and so it was, some three hours after I left Paris, that I found myself stepping into bright sunlight. When I saw a cheery looking lady holding a sign with my name on it I could have cried with relief. I’d m…

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MICHELLE'S CHALLENGE RANG in my head as we walked along the river. The wrought iron gates in the distance that I’d been told we were headed for reminded me of something out of a horror film rather than the happy, skipping through cornfields scene I’d been expecting. If she hadn’t been deep in conversation with Rita I’d have been tempted to ask Michelle …

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I TOOK A DEEP BREATH to still my nerves then followed Michelle into the dining room. After the previous busy scene I’d expected it to be full of people but the place was nearly empty.

“Sorry April. It seems we’ve missed them. You can meet and greet properly tomorrow. Are you hungry?”

She gestured to a table full of leftover salads. I hadn’t eaten for hour…

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WITH THE HOUR’S TIME DIFFERENCE I was worried breakfast at eight might be a bit of a struggle but after being woken up a little after 6am by a chorus of birds, I decided to get up and test out the space age shower. I stood under the chrome head and let the water drench me. It was like how I imagined a waterfall might feel, except warmer probably I had t…

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IF I’D BEEN EXPECTING breakfast to be a relaxing affair I was to be sorely disappointed. The kitchen staff had had some technical difficulties, Michelle had explained, and as a result we were running late for the rest of the day. She swiftly handed each of us an outline of the day’s activities and my heart fell into my boots when I realised that the tou…

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BY THE TIME RAYMOND arrived with the coffee I’d been introduced to Sarah and Tina, Les Miserable fans from somewhere north of Manchester, a young married couple called Sam and Sam - although yes, they agreed that their friends did tend to call them Sam and Samantha most of the time to try and alleviate some confusion - and a former police-officer from K…

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I DRAGGED MY FEET as I followed the group towards the dining room. I wasn’t totally allergic to vegetables but let’s just say that there was nothing more delicious to me than a big, fat juicy steak. Around me though the chatter was excited.

“I wonder what’ll be on the menu.”

“Did you see on the website that they recently worked with a famous chef?”

“What’s…

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“TABLE POUR UN, si vous plait.” I smiled at the lady behind the bar and whispered a prayer than she’d be able to understand my accent.

“Certainement madame. Suivez-moi.”

I hesitated, uncertain what she’d said, but when she walked to a table and indicated for me to sit it became obvious. I really wanted to sit outside though. How to communicate that? I wra…

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BEFORE EVEN TELLING us her name, she jumped straight to it. “How’s everyone’s experience so far?”

I looked around and saw a few people nodding and smiling.

“Great!” said Tina, bouncing on the edge of her seat like an over-caffeinated puppy.

“Brilliant!” said Sarah, not wanting to be outdone by her friend.

“I’m glad to hear that. How about you?” She looked d…

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