The Itchy Soul: Chapter 5

Part of me didn’t know where to start. There were logistics, like when I’d be going and where, but I wanted, no needed, Judith to really understand why I was going. She was the one who’d started all this with her niggling at me during the party. I was just afraid that anything I said now would sound like a feeble cop out.

“The thing is Judith, I’m not doing so well at the moment.” “Well duh!” Judith rolled her eyes at me. “You’ve not been doing well for ages April. What’s new?”

I shook my head. “I don’t just mean the ordinary stuff. I know everyone has off days, but I’m angry all the time. And poor Pete’s the one who bears the brunt of it.”

“You trained him well,” she laughed. “You’ll have to let me in on your secret.”

“I’m serious Judith.” I needed her to see that this wasn’t just silly old April having a bad day. I’d never said this out loud to any one but I was a bit afraid that something might be a bit broken and I didn’t know if I could fix it. When I spoke again, I did so more softly. “I think I might be having a bit of a midlife crisis or something.”

Judith reached out and put her hand on mine. Her eyes had gone a bit misty looking. “What’s brought all this on? I thought you and Pete were okay?”

“It’s not us, it’s me. I’m just so fed up all the time. The same old, same old. Like I said to you the other day. I wake up most mornings and can’t believe that this is it. Is this really all my life has become?”

When I was a kid I’d believed that anything was possible. I’d change my career de jour on the basis that whichever boy I fancied might end up doing the same course as me but underneath it all, despite all the apparent flightiness, I really believed I was put on the planet for a purpose. To think that my purpose was to raise a couple of kids, move words around on a computer screen for a few years before shuffling off the planet again, well that was just depressing. Maybe that was it, maybe I was depressed?

“Do you think I might be depressed?” I asked Judith. I hadn’t told her all the stuff about purpose, that was staying safely locked inside my head thank you very much, but something concrete like depression, well that was an actual treatable condition. Far more tangible than just being a bit mental!

“I dunno April. Do you feel depressed? I mean, aside from your ups and downs, you’ve always struck me as quite a happy person.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am. I mean, I’m not sure I have any of the classic symptoms.” I pinched the spare flesh around my middle. “Definitely not losing my appetite!”

“Haha! That’s the spirit. See? Always the first to crack a joke.” She paused and took a deep breath before speaking again. “What about the faith stuff?”

“What about it?” I could feel myself getting defensive again. “I know you nearly chewed my head off the other day but, you do work for a Christian magazine. That must come with certain, ah, perks?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, not getting it. What do you mean?”

“Isn’t there someone at work you could talk to about this? Maybe ask for some spiritual guidance or something.”

“Ha! Have you met my editor?” I shook my head again. “Of course you haven’t. Let’s just say that Jane’s idea of spiritual guidance is telling you to pull your bible out of your arse and get back to work!”

Judith frowned. “Really?”

“Yup.”

“Doesn’t sound very Christian to me.”

I shrugged. “You know how it is. They needed someone strong and dynamic. So long as she said the right things, the job was hers. I’m not sure they asked much about her theology.” I decided it was time to bite the bullet and just tell her. “Anyway, depressed or not, I’m definitely not happy. And there’s this thing in France, a spiritual retreat thing, about how to be happy, and I’ve said I’ll go and write about it for the magazine.”

I let out my breath in one big sigh, not realising until then that I’d been holding it. It didn’t matter what Judith said now, I knew my mind was made up. There was still lots to figure out but I knew I had to do something to get myself out of this rut. And who knows, maybe this retreat thing could be the start of something new for me. People wrote travels books all the time didn’t they? What if I went there, learned some amazing new secret about how to be happy, wrote about it and changed the world? That would be pretty amazing. Yeah, amazing and totally impossible April. Get a life! I sighed again and could feel tears pricking at my eyes. I knew logically that stuff like that didn’t happen to people like me, this was real life, not some stupid fairytale where everyone gets a happily ever after, but I wanted to believe in the possibility. I had to believe that it was at least an option. That people like me could actually make a difference in some small way and not just rot away the rest of my life, bored and miserable.

I looked at Judith and saw that she’d been watching me, her own eyes now mirroring the tears in mine. She had a peculiar expression on her face that was impossible to read. I crossed my fingers and whispered a silent prayer. She was my oldest friend, even if this was the most time we’d spent together in ages, I needed her to understand, to be on my side.

Finally I spoke. “So, what do you think?”